Scientists from Oxford University in the field of Applied Linguistic Enhancement have reported on ground-breaking research which they say enables anyone to learn any language they want in just a single day. This startling claim is based on the discovery of the exact method in which the human brain ‘learns’ language and the precise mapping of all the neural pathways involved along with now being able to manipulate and create those pathways at will. This was then combined with cutting edge human-computer interface research from a team at the MIT Advanced Computer Engineering department allowing scientists to directly ‘program’ that specific region in the optimal way to effectively insert a new language into the brain in a single session much like a computer can be ‘taught’ a new language.

Highly successful human trials have already been conducted as part of this amazing language learning research and all human subjects were programmed with various new languages, becoming fluent within hours even in what are often considered the most difficult languages to learn such as Mandarin, Japanese, Klingon, Arabic and others. Scientists report the humans who learned language using this method were initially seen to be confused with words from the new language mixed up with their native language but by the end of the day the brain had already become accustomed to the new language and all initial confusion cleared up leaving the subjects able to talk fluently in their new language to the astonishment of all involved.

april fool!

This potentially world changing ‘language learning machine’ was presented in detail to a special session of the United Nations Education Committee which was called at short notice due to the profound significance of such a discovery. Attendees at the special session were quoted afterwards saying “The world will never be the same” and “Cities will be built around this”

Scientists on both sides of the atlantic are now working to fast-track government approval for the use of this language learning machine and method with the wider public. Although some work still remains to be done on such things as miniturization and commoditization of the equipment and method involved but they envision a network of language learning labs within a year in schools around the world and even on the high street where people can simply walk in speaking one language and walk out a few hours later speaking another.